Why Would I Not Do It?

An exercise in self-observation and in being honest with myself. Have had the notion to actually get serious about creating an artist statement for months… Numerous attempts; taking notes on scrap paper, sometimes in a specially designated notebook if it happens to be within a reach… Nothing on a more or less regular basis… Finally, have committed myself to the process, opened Ariane Goodwin’s book once again and started from the beginning – again. Now have been reading it for a few days. Reading and observing myself… Reading and reminding myself – ‘Knowing is not enough – you must apply. Willing is not enough – you must do’… And still avoiding the actual getting down to business, at least putting in writing the thoughts and feeling that have been forming in my head and haven’t made to the scrap paper yet… Why? I have asked myself. Why? And not as one of the exercises provided in Goodwin’s book, but rather as being simply curious to see what roadblocks I am against, I have typed the answers as they were rushing through my head… And they looked like these ( I did correct the grammar and punctuation after the fact): Don’t trust my capacity to express how I feel… I know there is something specific I am drawn to yet don’t trust my capacity to express, relate it (the essence of it) via words. What if it is nothing? It is such a vast subject matter... If I go back to the origins I would lose myself in childhood memories. Who is interested in reading about another person’s childhood? And whether or not it is relevant. How I am to know? I am sabotaging myself. It is easier to read the book, take notes in a format that works best for me than to actually start writing. What if I have nothing of importance to say? So I do everything, hold on to every bit of excuse (don’t have a portable timer at home, have to bring it from work next week. Mind you I have a timer on the stove in the kitchen as well as little desk there perfectly suitable for writing and doing all the exercises, the Christmas tree needs to be taken down - finally, yet another cup of tea, I need more time to think and form my ideas… etc, etc, etc…). It seems that everyone else knows what they are doing… I am the only one who hasn’t figured it out… So, perhaps, if I keep being vague and avoid subject matter all together I can fake it until I make it (except that if I keep avoiding it, how I am planning to make it)… At this point I stopped, went to the kitchen for another cup of coffee, came back and re-read the passage… Then in blue I have written my responses as if I were talking to someone else… Don’t trust my capacity to express how I feel… and yet I know for effect, from practice and experience, that ”not having capacity” has nothing to do with the truth of the matter, which has to do with actually developing it, growing my own endurance to whatever, practicing it, refining, polishing it… So there is no truth to “not having a capacity to express myself” at all. I know there is something specific I am drawn to yet don’t trust my capacity to express, relate it (the essence of it) via words. See above: just begin - all what you are looking for is authenticity, a door through which you can enter into another level of self-understanding and self-knowledge. That in its turn is supposed to reflect in your work. What if it is nothing? And who will be the judge of that? You are looking to better understand yourself for your own sake, not anybody else’s…It is the next step – you have been aware of it for month. You work is pending upon you actually getting to the bottom of what is it that is feeding you, so to speak; what is that inspires you; why this and not that? etc… It is such a vast subject matter... If I go back to the origins I would lose myself in childhood memories. Who is interested in reading about another person’s childhood? You are not doing it for anybody but yourself. You, yourself, are thirsty for more comprehensive knowingness about the inner working of you-who-looks-at-the-world-through-the-viewfinder. And whether or not it is relevant. You will know after you write it down: if not relevant - it can be tossed. I am sabotaging myself. It is easier to read the book, take notes in a format that works best for me than to actually start writing. What if I have nothing of importance to say? So I do everything, hold on to every bit of excuse (don’t have a portable timer at home, have to bring it from work next week. Mind you I have a timer on the stove in the kitchen as well as little desk there perfectly suitable for writing and doing all the exercises, the Christmas tree needs to be taken down - finally, yet another cup of tea, I need more time to think and form my ideas… etc, etc, etc…). It seems that everyone else knows what is it that they are doing… I am the only one who hasn’t figured it out… So, perhaps, if I keep being vague and avoid subject matter all together I can fake it until I make it (except that if I keep avoiding it, how I am planning to make it)… Exactly, my point… If you keep avoiding it, you would never make it. “Knowing is not enough – you must apply; willing is not enough – you must do”