Exploring Insecurities-Part III

Once in while I witness something (be it an idea about myself or the world around me, a feeling, an emotion, a fear, an insecurity) that I thought had been long gone, forgotten, worked thru, let go of surfacing in my mind, consciousness, everyday life once again. Not only surfacing but also for however long taking over my life: "Hello! Remember me??? I am ba-a-ack!” What I experience instantly is a profound disappointment, a sense of hopeless-ness - “here we go again… and I thought I had dealt with it… and what is the point in all the practices, meditations and exercises aimed at addressing this or that if it doesn’t go away?.. if keeps popping back up over and over again… if years later I feel like I am back to square one – again!?!” What occurred to me this morning is that IT (whatever it is I am facing / having the need to address at the moment) is not what I addressed 5 years ago, having spent half a year in an ashram meditating. Triggered by a different set of circumstances, what I have encountered and am experiencing now is a different aspect of IT. In a way, IT becomes/is a totally different entity that needs to be addressed and as such it allows me to snap out of “what-the-point-if-it-keeps-coming-back” place and actually welcome it onto the surface and into my everyday life. Knowing the full extent of IT, studying it behavior, so to speak, observing my own behavior and responses caused by the presence of IT, allows me to promptly attend to it. Because at the end what I see myself be is all what I have the potential to be, without leaving any territory uncovered, without shying away from anything that might get in the way of me actually experiencing who I really – already – AM. “Man is asked to make of himself what he is supposed to become to fulfill his destiny.” Paul Tillich